The Reason Behind the Journey...

First off - ran the stairs again today! YAY!
Reason 1:

I'll be honest, I haven't thought it out a whole bunch. I mean, who doesn't want to lose weight? Do I need a reason? But it hit me recently, I'm not doing this for myself. Every time I want to take an extra bite, there's a picture in my head, a voice in my ear, and I finally realized who that was. It's the voice of the person I was never good enough for, the person who rejected me time and time again, and yet I can't help but care about. The voice belongs to my ex-boyfriend. In the same way he always was, he's my inspiration.
I don't want to give you the wrong picture - my ex isn't a horrible guy, nor was I a beaten down, constantly dispised girlfriend. He was very sweet, but he had a picture in his mind of who I was - and that picture was a problem. I failed him in ways he thought the picture never could, and when I supported him in other ways, he didn't realize it because he believed the picture would never support that. I was the 'good girl' who he constantly lied to. He did drugs, I knew about it, but he never would talk to me about his life because he was afraid he'd mention it. Like I cared. Just because I don't do drugs doesn't mean I'll judge you for it.
But he thought I disapproved, and so he thought I disapproved of him. Despite my constant protests. And then he started 'cheating' on me with other girls - not sex, so far as I know, but emotional cheating and making out. Because he was convinced I thought it morally wrong to make out. I'm a Christian, and no, I wasn't going to sleep with him - but I didn't have a 'moral bubble' around me at all times either.
He totally didn't understand me. He still doesn't.
So what does this have to do with weight? Well...
It was the fact that he always went to other girls - to talk to, to make out with, whatever - and I was never good enough for him to confide in. He eventually dumped me for a girl who he thought would sleep with him, who also happened to be one of my best friends. She was fun, pretty, and thinner than me.
He's the reason for my desperate desire to be worth his attention. She's the reason
for my desperate desire to be thin. Not because I want him back - I honestly don't know if I do - but I need him to want me. I always have.
And yes, I know there was more to it than that she was thinner than me. She was one of those girls with a glow of light around her - fun, rebellious in a random, funny way, smart, and promiscuous. We're still friends, and I'd been friends with her a long time. It takes awhile for her faults to show. They aren't horrid faults, mainly she's freakishly inconstant, but he's completely blind to them. He's dating someone else now, but he's still in love with her.
And something in me is saying it's because she's thin. And if I'm thin, he'll want me again. You may say that's silly, but I know it's true.
Sophie Ellen